Guys Index

Why do women always fall for the bad boys and leave the good guys?"

This is a puzzle that bugs the hell out of so many guys.

The theory out there -- usually advanced by frustrated guys complaining about the "jerks" who get the women they can't have and those who constantly worry that a "bad boy" might steal away the woman they love and they won't be able to do a damn thing about it -- is that women must somehow be "addicted' to shady and scandalous characters who demean, humiliate and treat them like disposable objects.

First up, to generalize and say all bad boys are the same and that every bad boy is up to no good is to have a serious tunnel vision on the sex appeal of the bad boy.

However, I have to agree that there are women who are intrigued by what they themselves don't understand. These women fall fast and hard for jerks, gangsters, criminals, thugs, bullies, moochers, addicts, womanizers, abusers and emotionally unavailable men because these men mimic some of the QUALITIES that make bad boys so appealing but soon or later the women realize that these men are as cold, selfish, cheap, lazy, spoiled, calculating, bitter, cruel and controlling as they come. .

This attraction to struggling or troubled souls that need fixing, protecting or nurturing has very little to do with love or even the men themselves and a lot to do with these women's need (yes, need) for men who bring out in them a deeply buried desire to be depended up on, or overpowered (or punished) by an aggressive, cold, ruthless, selfish, heart-less and even possibly violent male.

Many of these women fall for these men knowing too well that these men want a shag but not a relationship, or cheated on their last girlfriends, or have a long rap sheet, or have never held a steady job, or are zonked out on drugs and alcohol every evening etc. but the attraction is so strong because troubled souls create the outer chaos these women need to distract themselves from what's really going on in their own souls. These women manage to somehow convince themselves that if they can somehow make him more loving, get him off drugs, help him succeed or whatever, then they can somehow have the love they didn't get in childhood, or feel important (something they never made to feel growing up) or even get back the "power" taken away from them in their past. But they are only playing mind games with themselves.

But this is NOT the reason so many guys are asking "Why do women always fall for the bad boy and leave the good guy?" It's not like these men are overflowing with "goodness" and as a result are frustrated, feel totally helpless and alone because some jerk or drug addict is mistreating women.

Admitted, there are some guys who are genuinely caring human beings, but what I found out over the years coaching hundreds of men is that when a single guy asks the question, "Why do women always fall for the bad boy and leave the good guy?" or Why do women say they want a good guy, but sleep with a bad boy" , WHAT HE REALLY WANTS TO KNOW IS, "Why am I invisible to women?" or "Why can't I get the types of women I am attracted to?" or "Why do I always end up the good friend and never the guy she wants to have sex with ?" or "Do you think there's hope for me?"

So let's just cut the crap and get right down to it, shall we?

The sex appeal of a bad boy is real, so real that once we women go "BAD" it's really hard for us to go "NICE" -- BUT of course there has to be more to the boy than badness for badness sake.

Regardless of what we women say we want from the men in our lives, and regardless of what society tells us to want, on some deep primal level we want men who exhibit the traits of UNCORRUPTED AND UNADULTERATED MALE -- that is the abundance of masculine energy balanced by lesser traits of feminine energy.

Now, before you go completely weird on me and start calling me nasty names.

Let me say that I completely understand that this is a very hard concept to grasp and even embrace especially in cultures where we've been conditioned to think that one has to be competitive, aggressive, antagonistic, logical, emotionally detached, guarded, mentally uncompromising and physically stiff etc. to be considered a "real man". Those men who exhibit any slight traces of feminine energy (easy-going, non-competitive or consensus-driven, emotionally intuitive or sensitive, physically virile or lithe etc.) are laughed at and made to feel like they're deficient, damaged, flawed or confused about their sexual orientation.

This thinking is psychologically and psychosexually faulty from get-go and has nothing to do with what is natural or with reality. This is one of the main reasons why so many women today feel that something is missing in so many men -- IT IS.

In the natural and in reality, both of these energies have to be present in an individual for that individual to be "in balance" within him or herself, and to be able to both captivate the hearts and enrage the hormones of the opposite sex. Men have to have some traces of feminine energy just as women have to have some traces of masculine energy for "inner balance" and irresistible magnetism.

A REAL bad boy is the example of a man who has embraced this duality of energies and is most successful at using each energy in the right way, at the right time, in the right place and unto the right person.

But just who is this man that almost every man wants to be, and almost every woman wants to have?

A real bad boy isn't necessarily a model of physical perfection -- just a real human being with scars, warts, defects and all but someone who is very confident in who he is and in his own person. He is quick-witted in a boyish cheeky way and whatever his age, he never seems to grows old at heart, dull in mind or weary in body. His uncanny ability to always add an erotic edge of danger about everything makes him so unpredictable and mysterious (that lone wolf aura). In front of us, he is starkly honest (sometimes too honest) and an open book -- he doesn't pretend to be a saint (what-we-see-is-what-we-get).

He is also tough enough to stand up for what he believes in and even take on the world if he has to (this sometimes gets him in trouble). He takes no nonsense from nobody (not even from the woman he loves) but can also be very tender, attentive, vulnerable (dark side), ultra-sensual, incredibly passionate, determined and persistent. He is one of those rare men who is completely in touch with his natural instincts and able to articulate his own feelings (very calm in every situation). He can be picky as hell but when he loves a woman, he loves her so deeply, so noticeably and so overpoweringly that he brings to life the UNCORRUPTED AND UNADULTERATED FEMALE she already is.

This is the kind of man almost all women would like their guy to be a little more like every now and then. In my African native culture we call this kind of man "the warrior with the wildness of soul pounding in his veins".

His WILD AND UNTAMED DISPOSITION (masculine energy) enrages women's hormones and the DEPTH OF HIS EMOTIONAL RESONANCE (feminine energy) makes them want him like no other man can make them want, and keeps them wanting some more-- and boy-oh-boy is multi-layered or what!